A Lemonade Stand

The Last Lecture

Randy Pausch

Dana, a coworker at the theatre, gave me a book today for my trip to the Mayo Clinic.  She told me to read it on the plane and at the clinic.  Apparently I have been living underneath a rock because I have never heard of the book before. I have received comments all day from my students, coworkers, and even strangers about what an amazing book it is.  I am beginning to think that I should carry this book with me regularly because I've had more people come up and talk to me today than I have had all week.  I feel pretty optimistic about this book because not one person has said anything bad about it.  I would like to start reading it now, but Dana insisted I start reading it on the plane so I'm going to hold off until then.

I was very touched that Dana did this for me and I am planning on writing her a thank you card this afternoon.  I met Dana while performing on stage this summer and she has quickly become one of my favorite people to be around.  She is very kind and thoughtful and she always has great insight and advice on any situation.  I think she is truly a great person.  We all considered her the den mother of the cast,  and it's gestures like these that confirm that title.

The closer my trip to the Mayo Clinic gets, the more afraid I become.  I have been on the waiting list for the last year and a half, and although my condition has improved, I feel that I am nowhere near "my old self".  I am better, and for that I am thankful, but I just want things to return to normal.  I try to stay positive about it all and assure those around me that I'm doing much better, but there are still days that I can't get out of bed because my body aches so bad, moments that my hands shake so hard that I can't hold a fork, and times that I completely lose my sense of balance and run into a wall.  These are more difficult things to explain because I don't even know why they happen.  My doctors get upset at me because I tell them I'm fine and only give them specific symptoms when asked specific questions, but I can't help but fear that all of this is in my head.  I don't want to sound stupid when I explain to them how much pain I'm actually in.  I think my greatest fear in this all is that someone will think I'm making it all up, so I shy away from specific details because they don't make sense to me.

This will all have to change when I get to Rochester; I am going to try to be brave and assertive when I am at the Mayo Clinic.  I have decided that I am going to spend the next week taking notes on my symptoms and writing down questions.  In addition to that I am going to look into purchasing a tape recorder so I can record what the doctor says and give specific details to my family, friends and doctors, I am going to write out a time line of my symptoms, hospital visits, surgeries, etc,  and I am going to practice what I am going to say at my first appointment.  I am a very shy and timid person when it comes to authority figures, but I am going to go into this situation with my head high and the understanding that this is my one shot at a solution.  Even if I sound like a complete nut case I need to be honest with the doctors to get to the bottom of this all.

I will be leaving to the Mayo Clinic August 6th and I fully intend to update with pictures, notes, and reflections.  If anyone is reading this, keep your fingers crossed for me!

I have decided to once again try to revive this poor page after months and months of neglect.  After abandoning this space I moved into my own domain, then back to blogger, took a three month hiatus from blogging altogether and then finally returned back to where I began.  So after a half an hour of deleting the past in order to "start fresh" I have finally returned this blog to a brand new state.  I am hoping that this "cleansing" will help inspire me to get back on the horse and begin writing again.  We'll see... I never can tell how far these things will go.

There are several reasons I have decided to write again.  I am at the beginning of a new phase in my life, and things are changing all around me.  It just seemed silly to let them past with no record to look back on.  Some of these changes include:

• Visiting the Mayo Clinic after a year and a half on the waiting list
• Living on my own, off campus and without parental support for the first time
  
• Starting my first teaching job
  
• Getting braces for the second time around

It's a very exciting time in my life, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit scared about it all.  Everything is changing so fast and while I'm trying to keep up, I feel like I'm in way over my head.  I didn't have a lot of control over the Mayo Clinic appointment nor graduating college, but picking a place to live/work and getting braces were both in my hands and because of this are the two things I am most worried about.  I know deep down that everything will work out and the most important thing I need to do right now is breathe, but there is still this nagging sensation in the back of my mind that won't ever leave. 

Perhaps this blog will help me clear up some of those fears.  Perhaps this blog will be a complete failure.  Really, the only thing  I would like is to meet some new people who share my interests and connect.  Vox seems like the best place to go about this.